Designing Mama

Fighting the guilt of being happy after a Stillbirth

Luana Cardenas3 Comments

The surgeon who performed my cesarean made a statement that it would take me about 6 months to "move on" after the loss of my Solomon. Still in shock from it all, I had no room for anger. My heart was already so wounded. I accepted anything and everything the Doctor told me and suggested. He was a professional after all, someone I could trust.

I actually felt relieved that this was the general time mothers needed to get passed a late loss like mine. At the time, six months didn't seem like a long time at all! All I wanted was to get as far away from Solomon's birth/death day as possible and as fast as possible.

These days when I find myself laughing and feeling carefree, guilt always seems to crawl through the back door and questions of judgment and guilt begin to pour in like an avalanche. How can I be happy when such a huge part of me is missing? How can I be so selfish to enjoy life without my own flesh and blood? If people see me smile, will they think I have forgotten my son? Will they think I have moved on too fast?

I'm slowly learning that it is ok to allow myself to be happy. It's ok to let myself live the best life I can despite what was taken from me. I'm getting better at accepting happiness and learning to dismiss the guilt that always seems to follow a smile, a laugh, a good time. And especially learning to forget what people may or may not think about my personal loss journey. 

Me, choosing to be happy on the top of Machu Picchu :)

When I have those moments when missing Solomon hits me like a ton of bricks, I want to remember him with tenderness, acceptance and kindness. This is what my faith has taught me. I know for sure this is also what my son would want for me.

With Solomon's half year angelversary just around the corner, I realize the six month rule was never a thing. Time was not the perfect healer it was cut out to be.

Sure, time helps. But 6 months or 100 months, you only learn to live graciously with what life has brought you (with a strong emphasis on grace mind you).

There is life and happiness after a stillbirth because that is what I choose for myself. If you are a courageous loss mom, or any type of mom for that matter, we all have our daily struggles and we most definitely all deserve to be happy; no pesky guilt attached.

Are there ever any instances when you must choose to be happy?

Could you share how you choose to stay positive through a hard time? :)