Designing Mama

How I feel Two Years after my Stillbirth

Luana Cardenas2 Comments

On the weeks and days leading up to Solomon's birthday, I have spent a lot of time analyzing and asking myself, How exactly do I feel two years after loosing my firstborn, my son, my perfect little baby? All the emotions, and often times the lack of emotion can be well, quite emotional.

A lot has happened since our sweet baby was born into heaven. I graduated College, my husband and I traveled, we struggled with infertility, completed a round of IVF, got pregnant, bought a house, and finally brought our rainbow home. It may sound cliché, but Solomon made me a better me through all of it. My faith is stronger and I am eternally a better mother to Violet. I have had the opportunity of uplifting and bringing hope to hundreds of loss mommies like me through social media and numerous mommies whom have reached out through my blog in the past years. I have truly found pleasure speaking to them and sharing my story and every day ups and downs of a loss mommy on my Instagram.

On another note, there is this unique pain in realizing that things are all better now. There is even pain in knowing that you have in fact moved on. My brain doesn't quite go back to those tragic moments as often as they use to; those horrific moments in which there was no more heartbeat. There are longer stretches of time in-between recalling my perfect and perfectly Still baby, and there is continuously more time in-between them. All of these things are good and only natural, I know it. But after all is said and done, there is always that pinch of guilt of being happy. How exactly do I go about finding joy in life when one of my children is dead?

The other day I attended a birthday party at the club house where Solomon's baby shower was held. I prepped myself emotionally for hours before the party. For only a brief moment, I allowed myself to recall all the beautiful details of that perfect day. I thought of how absolutely overjoyed I was to be expecting our first child before I let the tears roll down. At the party, I blocked everything out and I realized how good Iv'e become at being numb.

People move on. No one wants to hear about a child's loss after [insert short time frame]. No one is expecting you to be anything but ok; After all, my rainbow is here. The worst part is that others have forgotten my son lived and he was so loved, adored, so profoundly wanted.

In this time my son has been gone, there hasn't been a day that I am not haunted with thoughts of what I could have done differently. Thoughts of what could have been if I just [?]. And lingering unforgiveness to a woman whom I trusted to take care of me and my unborn baby. She failed us in the worst possible way you could ever fail another human being. Two years have gone by. It still hurts. There is still so much regret. There are still emotional and psychological consequences I suffer til' this day.

As with anything in life. There are always two sides to a coin. Nothing is perfect. But there has also been a lot of healing. I am so blessed and thankful for every step and moment that has brought me to this admittedly good place; a place in which I am genuinely happy. It took some time and there were a lot of people praying for me. I even spent some time volunteering and loving on compassion needy seniors at a local daycare. It was a positive way to spend my time off and express my grief through love. I stayed hopeful that one day God would do something beautiful in me. He allowed me to be mother again and I am beyond grateful for Violet in my life. She is truly our beautiful bright shining rainbow that brings us so much joy.

If there is anything I could say to a recent loss mommy, it would be that I am deeply sorry. Your world will never be the same. It will take time to learn to live a normal life when the most beautiful part of you is missing. But seek healing in God only. Allow Him to touch you and speak into your deepest hurts where no one can visit nor understand. Stay hopeful because one day, the most wonderful thing will happen but your heart must be open. There will be days where it will hurt to breath the air your precious baby does not. Cry, yell, scream... but heal. Better days are ahead, I promise.

It sounds so simple, but the answer to my question is that I just miss my Solomon so very much. He would have been two years old this year on August 29th, 2015. I would do anything to have him back. A piece of me is forever missing.

Happy birthday sweet baby! Mommy will always love you and miss you no matter how much time has gone by.


Solomon's Memory Box

Inside are his ashes, his foot prints, a hat,pictures of his perfect little body and a signed card I received from all the nurses the day he was born.

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